


Out of pattern he will starve

by livinginadaydream (orphan_account)



Category: Jonas Brothers
Genre: Angst, Incest, M/M, Regret, Separation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-25
Updated: 2010-08-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 05:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/livinginadaydream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's possible. Joe could just be this blinding light. But really, it's just London.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of pattern he will starve

Sometimes this is all he feels like he knows. It's the flashlight in his nightstand, the light in the dark.   
  
Until the batteries lose their energy.   
  
The amount of time it takes to replace the batteries is thirty seconds, tops. But sometimes there just aren't any around, sometimes the batteries die and the light fades away and leaves him sitting in the dark.   
  
He's not afraid to move around, but he is. He could trip over something, fall. When he's got his senses to rely on, and his senses only it's a little scary and what if they can't be trusted? The light - it's not gone, necessarily. It's just temporary. It's terrifying.   
  
-   
  
Maybe he's just wrong, maybe all he's ever been is wrong. Maybe he's not in love.   
  
Couldn't it be that he just wanted to feel, wanted to be connected, needed some other passion to breathe oxygen for his fire to burn up? Couldn't it be that he just needed this love to fuel the music running through his veins? Couldn't it be that he's just an idiot, young, and fragile, needing a way to feel real?   
  
-   
  
Nick gets to London and still they're only a few time zones apart, they work it out like that somehow. Nick doesn't even think that it was on purpose, but he can call Joe when rehearsal ends, and he can ask how the kids are, how his day has been. He can make sure Joe's been drinking enough water even though Joe takes better care of himself than his entire family put together. Joe can ask him how the girls are, and Nick can laugh and then ignore him.   
  
Only, Nick doesn't laugh, not really. It's sort of forced, short and sounding more like he's just clearing his throat.   
  
At that response, Joe decides to forget he even asked because he's growing up. That and he doesn't get a whole lot of phone time in Africa, so he doesn't want to ruin what time he's got. He skips over it and starts thinking of anything funny that happened that he could say to make Nick forget he asked as well.   
  
-   
  
The thing is, when Nick arrived, he felt exhilarated and on edge.   
  
In general, Nick is nice to everyone, so he was definitely kind and respectful to his new cast mates. What he's doing here is an honor, and he's so lucky and blessed. They were welcoming, serious about their work, but giving out smiles left and right and Nick learned to have a warm sort of confidence behind all his nerves. What happened when he got to that point, found his rhythm with the group? He started to feel differently. About  _everything_ .   
  
-   
  
So he's on the phone with his older brother, and he's thinking. He's questioning every twist in his stomach, or lack thereof. He's wondering what it all really means that he feels suddenly exhausted hearing his brother's voice, how drained he feels. How easy it is to be around these new people in his life. It's like he's a person again,  _without_  Joe. It's like getting these glimpses of a life he could have if he weren't completely devoted to this one person, if he could let that go and love someone else. If he could fall for a girl here, if she could fall for him. If he could get his brain to focus on her and stop looking for reasons to get back to his fucking brother, to relate everything to him so that he's threaded into every conversation. He starts wondering if there's a way to be happy. And he starts seeing the way that there is. Could be. Maybe.   
  
-   
  
They hang up when Joe gives up trying to get Nick to say anything but, "That's awesome, Joe." And Nick lies back in bed feeling sick to his stomach, hands folded over his abdomen, eyes slipping closed. It's a dull stabbing pain in his chest, the back of his head, the tips of his fingers. He knows that the love is real, that this is his life because he wants it to be, wants Joe to mean everything. Just, what if he's wrong?   
  
What if, sometimes, he wishes he was wrong?


End file.
